balance

when i was growing up, i was constantly walking into things or, even worse, people. i would be lost in my own thoughts, absent-midedly pondering how it was that radios actually worked or if there were little men in the traffic lights who changed the colors from red to green. then, THWAP--there is a tree branch or BAM--into the back of my mom's legs. i was that cat you who is always under your feet when you needed to get somewhere quickly. more than once, my mom would sigh and say, in only the way that single mother carrying four bags of groceries who was just hit from behind by her daughter walking into her could say, "you are not the only person in this world!"

but, like the cat under your feet that you always let back on your lap, a minute later my mom would be listening to my latest revelation on the fact that there had to be some reason radios worked other than magic, or the fact that it was definitely little men in the traffic lights who changed the colors. all was forgiven because there was nothing malicious about my oblivion.

as i have grown up, i've gone to the other side of the spectrum. one of my friends once said that i would rather make myself uncomfortable than knowingly impose that on someone else. the other day a woman next to me on the train was talking loudly on her cell phone. i was more worried that she would think that i was annoyed at her than i was actually annoyed at her.

i imagine the best way to solve this dilemma is to find some sort of balance. of course i should never be so into myself that i tune out the rest of the world. that could be potentially unsafe, and just not something i would want to do. what if everyone was so self-absorbed that no one cared about what was going on in haiti? at the same time, though, i have to make myself a priority at some point.

unknowingly, starting this blog was a major step to finding that balance. it's here that i can get lost in my own head without accidentally walking into a moving car. maybe being in my twenties isn't really about finding myself, but figuring out how to be myself. it's about figuring out how to balance the different parts of my personality. maybe it's about knowing that there are other people in the world, but also knowing when to ignore them all. or maybe that's not what my twenties are about. maybe that is what life is about.