balance

when i was growing up, i was constantly walking into things or, even worse, people. i would be lost in my own thoughts, absent-midedly pondering how it was that radios actually worked or if there were little men in the traffic lights who changed the colors from red to green. then, THWAP--there is a tree branch or BAM--into the back of my mom's legs. i was that cat you who is always under your feet when you needed to get somewhere quickly. more than once, my mom would sigh and say, in only the way that single mother carrying four bags of groceries who was just hit from behind by her daughter walking into her could say, "you are not the only person in this world!"

but, like the cat under your feet that you always let back on your lap, a minute later my mom would be listening to my latest revelation on the fact that there had to be some reason radios worked other than magic, or the fact that it was definitely little men in the traffic lights who changed the colors. all was forgiven because there was nothing malicious about my oblivion.

as i have grown up, i've gone to the other side of the spectrum. one of my friends once said that i would rather make myself uncomfortable than knowingly impose that on someone else. the other day a woman next to me on the train was talking loudly on her cell phone. i was more worried that she would think that i was annoyed at her than i was actually annoyed at her.

i imagine the best way to solve this dilemma is to find some sort of balance. of course i should never be so into myself that i tune out the rest of the world. that could be potentially unsafe, and just not something i would want to do. what if everyone was so self-absorbed that no one cared about what was going on in haiti? at the same time, though, i have to make myself a priority at some point.

unknowingly, starting this blog was a major step to finding that balance. it's here that i can get lost in my own head without accidentally walking into a moving car. maybe being in my twenties isn't really about finding myself, but figuring out how to be myself. it's about figuring out how to balance the different parts of my personality. maybe it's about knowing that there are other people in the world, but also knowing when to ignore them all. or maybe that's not what my twenties are about. maybe that is what life is about.

civil rights

when i was in elementary school, i asked my mom what she remembered from the civil rights movement. i know there was some sort of school assignment involved--i didn't just come up with this topic of conversation myself--but the details of exactly why this conversation happened are in the blurred area of the fish eye lens through which i tend to focus on memories. the focused part of my memories are usually dominated by my emotions toward the situation, with a few key details thrown in there.

the details i remember are of what my mom was telling me she remembered. she lived in the south in the 1950s. one day, she went to a water fountain to get a drink. i don't remember where she was or why she was there. there were two water fountains. one said white and the other said colored. she drank out of the colored water fountain because she thought that colored water was going to come out of it. needless to say, she was a bit disappointed when it was just regular water.

at the time she was telling me this, i was probably about as old as she was in her memory. i remember being dumbfounded by her innocence. (perhaps i wouldn't have used those words at the time, i might have described it best as "whoa.") my mom, who didn't seem to be ancient in years, had a point in her life where she didn't know what segregation was and didn't understand why there were two different water fountains. there was a time in her life when the word "colored" did not have the stigma associated with it today. there was a time in her life where she was expected to use a different water fountain that black people.

at the time, i also began to form small sense of awareness about my mother as a person. there was so much that i did not know about her life. of course i knew she had a life before having children, but at that moment i started to understand just what that meant. having a life means she was living, and living means that she had many moments and experiences that had nothing to do with me as a child.

in college, i developed an affinity for studying recent history. i took about 6 classes that covered america in 1900, many of which specialized in 1968 to the present. i wonder if my interest in the recent history might have stemmed from this conversation with my mom. the history of the '60s seems far more personal to me because of how it could shape one little girl's life.

for me, martin luther king, jr. day is not necessarily about the man. he was a great man, an inspiring man, and a man who died because of that. but i was not shaped by him. i was shaped by the people he affected--the people whose lives he changed. the holiday is not really to honor the man, but rather the movement that he represented. it's to honor a movement that completely changed the the social structure of my mom's life. it's about the fact that i have only ever known water fountains that anyone can use.

resolutions

at the beginning of the month i joined a gym. the fact that the beginning of the month was the beginning of january, and in turn, the beginning of the new year, had little to do with my decision. the gym, being the gym of my alma mater, offers discounted membership to alumni. in order to receive a greater discount, you need to join for either six months or a year. in order to join for six months or a year, you have to join in one of two specific time periods. one of those is january.

as i began telling people about my new membership, i was constantly asked if the reason i joined was because of a new year's resolution. i would calmly explain that no, in fact, i joined in january because i wanted the discounted rate and to be able to exercise during the winter. as more and more people began to question my motives, i got more and more defensive. IT'S NOT A RESOLUTION, i wanted to shout at anyone who would listen. but no one seemed to care.

so, to make myself feel better, i started thinking of all the reasons why resolutions are silly. first and foremost, there is the stigma. i felt this even though i didn't have a resolution. everyone asked me what my resolution was. then they skeptically asked me if i was really going to stick to it. it wasn't even a resolution and the whole world seemed to think i was going to fail already.

next, i thought, who needs new year's anyways? if i wanted to make a change in my life, i could do it anytime during the year. the change of the calendar was a silly reason to think about what in my life needed sweeping change.

then, i continued, there is the fear. what if my life does need sweeping change? and what if i actually fail at it? what if people remember this was my resolution and ask me about it? making a resolution usually means broadcasting it to the world. if i don't make a resolution, i don't have to tell anyone, so no one will know if i succeed or not.

and finally, i surmised, there is the whole theory of it. making a resolution for the year means that i am not happy with something in my life. by focusing on the negative, i am just reinforcing what is wrong with my life instead of appreciating what is good. then if, and when, i do fail at the resolution, it will not only make me realize that there is one thing that i want to change about my life, but i will feel even worse because i can't even change it!

so i had myself convinced. resolutions were not for me. i want to be happy, so that means keeping any hint of a resolution to myself. but something about that conclusion just didn't sit right with me, because when it comes down to it a resolution is no more than a goal. am i really saying that having goals is bad? do i really believe that i am destined to fail at my goals? is it really so bad to be held accountable for that which i strive to accomplish?

i realize now it is not so much that resolutions are wrong, it is that my attitude toward them is wrong. a successful resolution-ist should be able to see goals not as something that means life now is bad, but rather that life in the future could be different. not drastically different, just different enough to put a new spin on next year's existence. resolutions are goals and goals lead to change. so in fact, i do have a resolution this year. i want to accept enough change to be able to create some goals so that next year i can proudly share my resolution to anyone who asks.