friendship

today, i submitted a vacation form at work. i am taking a the first three days of christmas week off (the company gave us the other two) so that i can be home in maine for an entire week. this will be the first time in about six years that i will be spending that much time at home. in the past, i would choose to be away as long as i could. this year, i am choosing to be home for as long as i can.

growing up, i couldn't wait to move away. i had fun in middle school and high school, but i never felt quite like i belonged. i was taller than everyone else, so i always had to slouch to hear people. i could never find pants that were long enough. i once wore and eeyore sweatshirt everyday for a week.

college came like a breath of fresh air. the independence of city living combined with the largeness of the school gave me more confidence than ever. i was able to live on my own and find a group of friends who were totally fun and enjoyed my awkwardness. on top of that, there was none of the pressures of high school. the size of boston university meant that there had to be different groups of friends, but it also meant that my group of friends was really no more or less cool than other groups. they were just...different.

while my confidence soared in boston, when i would go back to maine i still saw myself as the person that i was there, not the person that i had become. since i much preferred the more confident version of myself, i chose to stay in boston more and more. i lost touch with most of the people i hung out with in high school and continued with my boston life.

a year or so ago, i started to realize that there were friends i had growing up that i was starting to miss. there were certain people who were friends with me when i was at my most awkward. all of a sudden, i wanted to share my adult life with them. instead of being afraid that seeing these people would revert me back into my shell, i wanted to hang out with them as myself five years later.

though the beauty of facebook, i was able to get back in touch with some of these people and i will be able to see some of them when i am at home for seven straight days. part of me regrets that i didn't keep in closer contact with some of my friends from maine, but the other part knows that i am happier today because i left. it was only by leaving that i am able to recognize and value the friendships that are still with me today.

one of my favorite quotes growing up was "we do not change as we grow older, we only become more truly ourselves." in constantly peeling away layers of my self, or adding them on depending on how i look at it, i am also able to get a truer sense of what, and who, in my life is important. when i go home for christmas, it will be utterly satisfying to show a truer version of myself to those who have always accepted me, no matter how short my pants were.