new year

Graduating college lead to many life changes. The major impacts came right away: supporting myself, trying to find things to do with my time, and an overwhelming lack of purpose. There are many less obvious changes, though, that appear to have a longer-lasting impact. I’ve gone through a subtle shift over the past few years from looking at my life from a September to May schedule to a January to December one. Not only does the new schedule mean no summer vacation, it means I place greater value and thought in to New Year’s. No longer is this holiday about the mid-point of a semester and a break from “real life,” it’s about taking stock of what happened in the past year, where my life is right now, and where I want it to be going.

The past few New Year’s were pretty easy. My year was good, I was happy, and I had a set path. There wasn’t really much to come to terms with because my life was traveling along as expected. This year contemplating my place in the world is much more difficult, though. It was a rocky year with unexpected events. I was sad for much of it, my life is currently in upheaval, and I am totally unsure of what my future holds. At the same time, I can’t just brush off and forget what happened this year. There were lots of good times, and I am in the processes of learning from the bad. As much as I want to take the easy road and say “good riddance” to 2010, I know that I cannot do that.

So here I am, stuck between happy and sad, progress and remembrance, hope and reality. How is it that I am supposed to go out and celebrate this ambivalence? My decision: stop thinking about it as a year. The turnover from 2010 to 2011 is not just the change of a year, it is the official change of the decade. (Think about it, we didn’t start at the year 0, we started at the year 1.) When I think about my current life in comparison to where I was 10 years ago, as opposed to where I was last year, I achieve a much better perspective.

In the past 10 years, I have attended high school and graduated, moved to Boston, attended and graduated college, lived in 8 different apartments (plus one house), fallen in love, worked 3 different jobs, made (and remade) countless friendships, and traveled around the country. I’ve also fallen out of touch with friends, felt homesick (for many different places), missed people terribly, and mourned the death of family members, pets, and relationships. I’ve been angry, sad, frustrated, and lonely. I’ve been happy, content, joyful, and loved. Over the past 10 years I have gone from a 15 year old girl to a 25 year old woman. And the whole way, I have lived.

So tonight I will celebrate, not because I am happy this year is over or because I want to remember how great it was. I will celebrate the possibility of the coming year. New Year’s Eve is no longer a time to celebrate a break from real life. It is a time to celebrate the actuality of real life. I have the opportunity for a whole new year of experiences, relationships and living. Happy New Year, indeed.