fake me

routines have always been my friend. while others crave surprise and the unknown, i crave stability and the known. sure, i like being surprised. but i want you to tell me that on a specific day at a specific time, you will be surprising me. the same thing can be said for my non-work life. i like doing different things with different people, but i like knowing that my plans will always revolve around a 9-5 job.

i've been building to this way of living my whole life, really. starting from a young age, the main constant in my life was sleep. no matter what i did that day, where i was, or who i was with, i would end the day by going to bed. my earliest memory of falling asleep was after my mom would come into my room to tuck me in and say goodnight, she would hit play on my primary-colored plastic tape player. at first, i'm sure the tape that was in there rotated, but all i remember is always falling asleep to a tape of the beatles magical mystery tour that my dad had made for me. i needed that routine of having my mom turn that tape on for me so much that if, in the horrible situation that sometimes happened, i got to the end of the first side before falling asleep, i would climb out of my bed, walk out of my room, down the hallway to the top of the stairs and yell "mooooooooom, my tape needs to be turned over." she would dutifully walk up the stairs, turn the tape over, and tuck me back into bed, completing the bedtime routine once more.

as i got older, the time i went to bed changed and i stopped listening to music, but i kept to my new routines. instead of music, i would have a set topic to think about until i fell asleep instead of letting my mind wonder. i had a phase where i would think about what outfit i would wear the next day. was it better to wear the forest green jeans with the cat t-shirt and the flannel over it? or should i go with those acid wash jeans instead? for a solid year, i would actually pray until i fell asleep, but only in the way that a child understands prayer as a means to an end. "please god," i would plead, "let tomorrow be a good day. let us catch the bus to school on time, and have tabitha save me a seat in the back of the bus. and please have school be good and let me be in a group with my friends for math time instead of the people i don't like." i would continue to walk god through my day and all the things that i would like to go well until i fell asleep sometime around catching the bus home from school. if, on the off chance, i got through my whole day and was still awake, i would start the process over, thinking of more and more things that god could do for me.

somewhere in middle school, i discovered the mother load of falling asleep thinking topics: the future. at the same time i was discovering insecurities and popularity in the real world, i was exploring an idea that would carry me through all of those things. even if things weren't going my way at the time, i convinced myself that when i got to my mid to late twenties, things would be much better. in the future, i was very popular and had no insecurities. i was successful, happy and smart. every night, i defined this future version of myself more and more. i would think about what clothes i would be wearing until i fell asleep, or how i would wear my hair. eventually, i developed a version of myself in the future. character traits and looks developed into where i would live. where i would live made me think about what job i would have, who my friends would be and what cooky situations we would get ourselves into. throughout high school, i continued to rely on future me as a crutch both to help me fall asleep and to escape the awkward, sometimes unpleasant present.

i still haven't totally deserted this version of myself, either, even though here i am in my mid to late twenties. sure, i just turned 25 and am on a general path in life, but that doesn't stop me from day dreaming about me as a 26 year old stay at home writer living in minneapolis who volunteers at animal shelter. that's because future me was not actually me in the future, it was a fake version of me that i had created. fake me can still do whatever she wants. the reason fake me is fake, though, is because she doesn't have to deal with the realities of life.

it only rains on fake me when she is on a climactic, extremely emotional run before everything works out in the end. real me doesn't run that well and especially not in the rain. fake me had a dog that only needed to be walked on sunny, warm days. real me wonders what i am supposed to do with a dog when i go away for the weekend or what my neighbors will think if he barks too much. fake me doesn't really have to work to achieve any goals. real me has to deal with failure. if fake me gets into any uncomfortable situations, she has a casual, smooth way out. real me tries too hard and makes awkward small talk.

there is a slight chance that i am going to go crazy for having a fake me, but real me likes to think that is a positive sign to have such an active imagination. real me also recognizes that this is a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that life isn't always fair, good things don't always happen to good people, and plans change. also, fake me is the only reason real me still even attempts to run, so she can't be all bad.